hypocrisy is my specialty

I love Obama to death but the stupid republican-headed congress pisses me off so much. it’s not just that they’re republican, there are good republicans, but it’s that they represent these extreme right ideologies that are not causing anything but harm. so don’t go blaming Obama because of congress. they are separate. Obama’s doing a pretty damn good job digging us out of the shithole Bush put us into. Furthermore, all the current republican candidates are absolute jokes, and I will probably move to another country if one of these close minded, hateful, ignorant assholes somehow, god forbid, won the presidency. it’s not going to happen, but it’s hard to not think of worst case scenarios. For the primaries, however, may the worst candidate win.

I haven’t used this blog for a while…..

currently I’m sick and want to die

lmao

i am hopelessly in love with a guy that i only see for two weeks every year, and the rest of the time he lives across the country. its been going on for three years, i guess that says something for my dedication, but i hate it.

he knows i exist, he knows my name, we’re friends on facebook, but we really don’t talk outside of that because he’s on a higher “popularity level” and i have shitty social skills. i also am a pretty bad sailor, and we never get paired together which really sucks.

the most painful part is the only seeing him two weeks every year. like yeah i can facebook stalk him whenever i want, which is fun, but its not the same. also, this might be the last year i really get to be around him, and next year will definitely be the last year. yeah, we’ll both go back to Nantucket every year, but 16 is the age limit for sailing unless you’re on the race team, which i will never be on. there’s also a chance that he will be on the race team next year, so this is the last year. and that makes me want to die. i don’t even know why i’m so attached, maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder… i don’t know. i just love him so much and have no chance with him. at least the other people i like i get to see on a daily basis…

so i’ve only known…TK… in person for 5 weeks. but i’ve known about him for the past three years and every time i see him for those two week periods, i fall hard. I can’t pinpoint exactly what draws me to him but its been three fucking years and every time i see him its like the beginning again. next year is my last year of sailing and it pains me to even begin to think about the fact that i might never see him again after that. i mean, yeah, there’s facebook, but thats not good enough. not at all. obviously i really like him, its been three years. thats a long time to like someone. and i know its not just lust, he’s gotten a lot less psychically attractive but i still really like him and i honestly just don’t know. i mean, i only see him for like two weeks a year and next year might be the end of that and truthfully it might end this year because he’s a great sailor and might move up but i am so attached by now and i just don’t know how i’m going to handle it. i don’t want to cry for weeks.

the year isn’t quite over, but we have no more classes together

its been wonderful, love.

next year is going to be amazing but i won’t have you in it

yeah, you’re still going to the same school and everything, but instead of having three classes together… we’ll most likely have none. and that scares me.

thats why, tomorrow, after school is done, i’m going to tell you

on facebook cuz i’m a pussy

but i’m going to tell you how much i enjoyed having you in my classes this year

i don’t care anymore

i just need to tell you

i dislike the subject, but i got to know you. i love you so much and it sucks that you’re failing all the classes we have together so we most likely won’t have any classes together next year. i’m going to miss you so much it hurts. i had a chance! i really did. i looked at what you wrote in my yearbook, and even though it was just a funny picture and a few words and a signature, i started crying. i’m going to miss you so much. i would do anything to be back in that class. anything.

and hes super cute and hilarious and sweet and adorable

but he’s stupid. really stupid.

and it makes me insanely sad. he has so much going for him, but no. he has a 30% in algebra 1. fucking algebra ONE. THIRTY PERCENT. he dropped german (the day before the final) because his grade was so low and the didn’t want it to affect his gpa. but his gpa is already shitty!!!!!

now i seem mean. but i’m not trying to be. i love this guy with all my heart. and i actually talk to him, unusual for me. i feel insanely sorry for him, he has a pretty good life and he’s an amazing person… but he’s also kinda the dumbest person i know. and this means that we’ll probably have no classes together next year. we had three this year until he dropped german, but he’s failing those classes. but we’re kinda friends now and i really want him in my life and i just don’t know.

i don’t care if he’s stupid. i can make him feel like he’s worth something. because he is. my friends might not like him and he might be as smart as a rock, but i love him.

all i want to do is hold him.

which is perfectly normal, right? except that I had never heard the song before. not the tune, not the lyrics, not anything. i could only remember one line “in my mind we were beautiful”, so i looked it up on google… there were no direct matches. i might be on to something here. i’m saving that line.

i feel like i’m slipping under the waves, which is extremely relevant because the thought of drowning terrifies me.

the waves are dark and full of pressure and bad thoughts.

i feel like no one actually likes me, they just put up a facade because they feel sorry for me.

the poor fat and ugly and stupid and worthless girl.

i can’t do anything right.

there’s nothing special about me.

my family drives me insane.

my life is fine, its just… i don’t know.

maybe summer will be better, less pressure to be perfect

but with summer comes food and with that comes pain

i have swimming, but i hate that more than anything else.

and worst of all, i’ll be left with my own thoughts

nothing else

i’m scared.